Maxwell Williams


Nothing is simple when you're a dancer, even bathing.

      Two films go on a date. They’re both opening this weekend, so they go to the cinema. One of the dategoers is Step Up 3D, the latest installment of the dance franchise, and the other is Twelve, Joel Schumacher’s dense adaptation of Nick McDonnell’s novel of the same name, which he wrote when he was 17. Step Up 3D, decked in a velour tracksuit, is working class—the film, in fact, revolves around the premise that dancers can’t do anything but dance, and left to their own devices, end up on the street. There they are rescued by Luke (a hunky Rick Malambri), whose parents left him a building, which he has converted into a runaway shelter/elaborate dance studio, where the dancers (a troupe called “The Pirates”) practice for the ultimate showdown with a rogue crew called “The Ninjas” (started by a former Pirate who got kicked out because he had a gambling problem and he bet against the Pirates in a dance battle). It is bootcamp for dance warfare. Twelve, on the other hand, is high class all the way, dressed in a Valentino dress with loads of perfume. It’s a chain-of-events type tale revolving around White Mike (Gossip Girl’s Chace Crawford). He’s pretty middle class himself—his father’s restaurant is in bankruptcy—so he deals drugs to former classmates, who are bougie uptown Harvard candidates. Keifer Sutherland narrates all this, by the way.

50 Cent and Chace Crawford. In that order.

On the date, Step Up 3Dorders a Gummy Bears and Coke (not Diet Coke). Twelvecraves for something more substantial. It reaches into its pocket and pulls out a vial of something. This is the title of the film. It’s a liquid that comes in a vial, and it’s called “twelve” for no apparent reason. In the movie, 50 Cent, the rapper, plays Lionel, a drug dealer who sells it for $1000 for three vials, which lasts honor student Jessica (played brilliantly by newcomer Emily Meade) what seems like one night. But what a night that is: Jessica flounces around her room leaving trails of hallucinogenic vapor behind her. She can’t stop smiling. She lies in her pile of stuffed animals, which begin to whisper sinister things. “It’s like coke, and then it’s like ecstasy,” she tries to explain later, faltering over the words that could describe her euphoria. But twelve is merely a red herring for much darker things later.

50 Cent and Chace Crawford again.

Meanwhile, while waiting for Twelveto make up its mind at the concessions, Step Up 3Dplugs some headphones in its ears, powers up it’s newfangled digital media player, and starts bopping to some hip hop pop music. Step Up 3Dhas all the technology. You might call it “Dance-atar.” It was made for 3D viewing, and only for 3D viewing. There are sequences where dancers ham for the camera by poking at you. Especially this one guy that can only do the robot. His robot is pretty spectacular, but he keeps popping up in the movie. He's actually kind of creepy by the end of the movie. And then there’s a scene where newly initiated Pirate Natalie (Sharni Vinson) comments on hunky Luke’s ability to see things that others can’t. Luke is making a documentary film about all the dancers, which is actually kind of a film by him about himself, but that’s neither here nor there. The point is, Luke displays his powers of perception by leading Natalie to the top of a vent. They both have Slurpees. They are standing on top of a vent, yet Natalie is shocked and amused when the vent turns on. Then, Luke does a magic 3D movie theater trick where he puts his finger over his straw and lets his finger off over the vent, which sends Slurpee juice flying into the audience. Then Natalie tries it. It’s a giddy scene, and one that totally ignores conventions like “gravity” and “reality” in favor of "3D" and "pop." Twelvedecides Step Up 3Dis dumb, déclassé. But still kinda hot.

Emily Meade talks to stuffed animals.

Twelveis so fucking dark. It’s a deadly serious direction for Schumacher, who made some of America’s most beloved young adult films like The Lost Boysand Flatliners, and who is just off a studio buried zombie-Nazi film (Blood Creek).  Where Step Up 3Dhas joi de vivre, Schumacher’s Twelvehas the burden of youth. Sarah, the hottest girl in school, played like the hottest girl in school by up-and-coming supermodel Esti Ginzburg, convinces rich dork Chris (a quiet Rory Culkin) to throw a party for her by pretending to come on to him. At the party Jessica, desperate for more twelve, but out of money, offers her virginity to Lionel. This sets off a chain of events that ends in a Colombine-style shooting. Drugs, sexuality, deception, murder, cancer, depravity, hopelessness, violence. Everything dark you can think of, happens. Twelveis kind of like Todd Solondz’ Happiness, but without the humor.

I don't remember this scene. I'm sure it was awesome and in spectacular 3D.

Step Up 3Dtells Twelveto stop moping about. Twelvesays, “Fuck you.” Step Up 3Ddecides it needs a new start so it takes a train to California (trust me, that’s the logic of Step Up 3D). They part ways. Their friends knew it wouldn’t work. No one will ever think of them together again.

Here, Esti Ginzburg tells the youngest Culkin that, like, she's hot.

This is sweet in 3D.

Jessica (Emily Meade) strung out on designer clothes (and designer drugs).